Ive learned you have got to lose yourself before you find yourself. feel negativity before you can
create or feel positivity but its best to learn from the good and bad feelings or situations for
different reasons. the good are the feelings I like to analyse with, I look back on the turning point
to my happiness. when I think of past or situations ahead from a positive prespective im trying best
not to take things granted. right now, Im staying less attached but staying clear and caring with feelings
and actions with others I really like. Its nice to share the things you want to share It has a priceless
affect or impact. sharing is something I like to do consistently, i guess im making important things to me
known to others. recently, Ive been thinking about a girl worth my mindframe if not more. Im glad she is
still a part of my mind even if things arent togother as such. Its just nice I know and she knows that things
are on good terms. the memories are always here as a consolation for me, the memories might be simple to
define or talk briefly on but been a part and helping orchestrate these memories helps me smile, cry, sleep.
I might not be feeling complete but feeling complete is hard to find unless you can find your own way of
reacting to the negative side. sometimes I want to apoligise to myself for feeling the way i do or apoligising
to the people I string along with my feelings but im trying in the best possible way to resolve and construct
what my feelings really are but then again been in my position does feel real. I feel sincere at this stage and
any stage really. im in touch with my feelings and you cant fault connection when you feel its sufficient or
needed with how you feel. how do we know we are complete? but, I know its easier to tell when something is wrong
than to know when things are right but, its something I can only accept but, I know there is a certain balance
in our minds and that dictates alot of our reactions. you can cloud up yourself with assumptions or opinions of
others even the ones you really feel highly of but theres nothing more honest or powerfull than speaking what your mind wants to speak Its personal relief for me to do that and It can be rewarding If it reaches the most
important to you. when you feel you have lost the meaning to certain things and you cant find an understanding
to things either It can lead to emptyness and I know I have experienced this in a phase like fashion and im sure
you have?, for awhile even still recently Ive been finding it hard to feel a part of or push myself into
a situation I want to be involved in such as love or even the affection i want to experience again. I do want to
share my mind and overall feelings with a really nice girl but its not the commitment from me thats in question.
Its more i feel I cant take that extra step again confidence wise after all experiences for me but I have tryed
and learned and discovered just by taking that extra step I needed. I wouldent say it was success but short-term
happiness but that short- term happiness was a healer for any negative thoughts or doubts I had of myself. they
say "dont expect much from a strong mind"? but, I just want to share my mind more and more, I feel strong inside
I have alot of trust in my instincts and feelings. I would rather advertise my feelings than anything else.
I appreciate been able to do the things I do because it feels right and I feel strongly of those things. I sleep
on the truth and the doubts. I sleep thinking of the critics and admirers. I sleep thinking of the most important people to me hoping things are alright for them. Its common for me to think the way I do. I hope things work out for me its just nice to be on good terms with the girl I really like. even if things are with or without.
the last few days the impact of people has made me think aswell it all started on friday:
sitting there unaccompanied, I could feel loneliness but it was change in fortune it was a lonely signal from
someone else. been on the other side of the barricade called positivity rather than the side he was on negativity. I looked out the window of the train to the usual surroundings but i wasent aware of this older guy
sitting a few seats infront. until he spoke in a mellow tone. he was sitting with the seat almost like an
advantage to him almost like a shield protecting a view to his full-figure. he then looked at me and smiled warmly but with proven distance. he began to talk more and more with a slight jilt in his voice. I couldent hear
everything he happened to say but, I wanted to show the interest he obviously craved for. he seemed really apart
from reality with his age. he didint feel at all confident and there was no signs to say he was pretending he was. It upset me a little to analyse his mind, It seemed to ask questions as to if he really was understandable to me. his eyes i can remember were dark and curtain closed It showed to me that his intentions and plans were unpredictable. career choices long gone?. the thing was i thought he was capable of other things but maybe it
was just that i didint want to underestimate him at all.
then later on friday something else made me think but It came from a dreamy source,it was more the message behind it that caught my attention. Its hard sometimes to find reasons for dreams that communicate with you and
thats how i feel with this one. anyway this is what happened: I was in bed asleep, obviously things can esculate
on different levels but, once you are asleep your imagination takes you to places you could never see in reality.
this was pretty surreal to be in a place you have no reminiscent of. in this dream I was a witness that nobody
could see, I could just watch and all the attention was on the situation elsewhere. in this dream there was two
sets of people distanced far apart from each other but they seemed to have some kind of association maybe in the past. on one side was a man unaccompanied and seemed to be dressed as his own idealist. I noticed his hair was
carelessly constructed, dark with bald patches easily showing on the top, more showing than he would have liked.
his face had a muscular build to it and it had a common shade of colour to it. his presence was having an impact
on me not just because he was closest to my view of the people but he was alone and seemed to have things on his mind. another thing I noticed about him was he was carrying a bag it seemed heavy with his shoulders looking over-used in a way. he was a little inactive for awhikle so I looked further apart to two people this time. one was a girl and the other was a boy. the girl had dark hair and a nice outlook to her. the boy was tall and dark haired he seemed to be paying attention to the man a little further apart. to me they seemed to have a known connection with the man. there eyes were so careful and bad terms with the man came to mind. the boy seemed to have more interest in what he was doing, he seemed to have the pen in his eyes that took note each time. then after awhile of looking at the people I focused my eyes on the surroundings and there wasent much to view. the grass was tired and hardly a tree was to be seen. it was just like a place from nowhere, a subsitute to the others. the place certainly lacked inspiration. there wasent much sound around. no voices except the three people I could see. then i focused again on the people. after a few minutes the man self-invitingly sat down on the grass his weak feet were standing. after he did so he seemed more relaxed. the boy and girl continued to watch holding there stance on what the man was doing. then the boy and girl started to move closer towards him it seemed to me they wanted a better view on what the man was doing. he was unaware of there movements. he took a hold of his bag and slowly unzipped. his hands reached into the contents that were still to be revealed to us all. he then pulled out a book much to everyones attention. it was of an average size but still pretty interesting. he then raised his head to look around and realised the boy and girl had moved closer to where he was. he then stared calmly but questionably towards the girl and boy. the questions seemed to come from his expression. the girl and boy cut down on there attention towards him after that expression but still seemed interested. the man shrugingly looked again at his book guarding his face by lifting the book over his eyes. then suddenly he lifted his head again into the direction of the boy and girl. the book seemed to have this certain influence on him but I wasent sure completely if it was having an impact on his actions. he was definitely smiling with an evil approach towards them. the smiles width really was reaching out. he started to
act out of the character compared to before, when he repeatedly pointed at the back and waved towards the girl he seemed to be sending a violent or psychological ploy on the boy and girl because they seemed really downhearted by what he was doing. I was really confused with what he ws doing but it seemed to be working for him favourably. he then started to lose notice of the book as he was holding it with a really soft grip leaving
the books head pointing to the ground. he was more interested in gaining attention and making consistent eye contact with the boy and girl. the boy most notably was growing in hesitation he wasent sure what he could do to
avoid the hesitation he seemed to be feeling. then even more interestingly the man grabbed a hold of his bag again, he pulled out a black studded belt. he started to pay attention to the belt he was holding in his left hand. then he released his right hand out wards and began to hit it softly but effectively against his right hand. he then began to laugh achieveably towards the boy and girl as he continued to use the belt to his advantage. then the rain started to make an appearence but he continued on until suddenly the boy hugged the girl and they walked off looking back at the man every step they happened to walk. all im thiking is dont underestimate the ones that are not accompanied by another person whether its friend, girlfriend/boyfriend but this was pretty surreal and i wanted to share that as a thinker.
I love you all and kiss my ass
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